


A Post-Partum Journey

by Gen60



Category: 50 Shades of Grey - E. L. James, 50 shades - Fandom, Fifty Shades (Movies) RPF, Fifty Shades of Grey (2015), Fifty Shades of Grey - All Media Types
Genre: Body Image, F/M, Healthy Relationships, Pole Dancing, post-partum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 10:06:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18714850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gen60/pseuds/Gen60
Summary: Ana develops post-partum depression. With the support from her loving husband Christian, Ana is able to overcome her pain through the power of pole dancing.





	1. The Struggle

Christian and I live a very blessed life. Every day I wake up and I can't believe that this is the life I'm leading. I never have the worry about money again. Christian has shown that he can be a loving husband and father to our two children. However, after I had Charlotte 6 months ago I started to become avoidant and depressed. I look at my body in the mirror and I barely know who I am. My stomach has a pooch and I have stretch marks. I feel as though Christian may be finding me less attractive than when we met 5 years ago. I want to eat better and exercise but I have not had the will power to do so. I feel I should do better especially since I have everything I need and more.

"Ana!" Christian called "Ana!"

"Here" I called back from the couch in the living room.

"Ana! Charlotte needs you, she's been crying for the past 25 mins didn't you hear it" He said little upset.

"Sorry!" I sighed as I put my book down and got off the couch. "Where's the nanny anyway!

"we only have her around part time. Remember? Your wishes" He replied

"Yeah Sorry!" I said feeling a bit guilty

I felt so lethargic as I climbed the spiral staircase of our large home. I entered the nursery and she was laying in the crib screeching. I walked over and I could clearly see that the diaper needed to be changed. That was most likely the reason that she woke up. I quickly changed the diaper and started to rock her back and forth in my arms. I still needed to finish my Manuscript and I desperately needed a nap. My arms started to ache as I continued to rock her back and forth. Plus, I had two manuscripts that I had to read before my meeting with the authors next week. Mrs. Jones must be here somewhere.

"Mrs. Jones" I called

"Yes! Mrs. Grey!" She said coming up the stairs.

"Can you take Charlotte? I just can't do this right now. I have others things to do"

"No Problem Mrs. Grey! I'll keep her occupied so that you can have some peace and quiet"

"Thank you!" I said

I went back downstairs to get the manuscript that I was reading. I see Christian coming up the stairs to greet me. I smile at him seductively. He looks at me with surprise.

"Where is Charlotte! I thought that you were going up to the nursey to spend time with her?"

He said confused.

"I can't Christian I'm too busy with my manuscript so I changed her diaper and gave her to Mrs. Jones" I explained.

"You know you have not been spending time much with the kids lately. They miss you" He said

"Later!" I said smiling "I promise"

"Is something wrong?" He asked with sincerity and love in his voice

"I just have a lot of work to do" I said with a sense of urgency

"Red Room after?" He asked with a spark of excitement

"Maybe!" I teased

How could I tell him that I have been feeling depressed since Charlotte was born. I was so embarrassed. I love Christian with all my heart but I have lost my desire to do what I used to love. My libido has plummeted since Charlotte's birth and I know that has been hard on Christian. Especially since we had kinky sex for most of my pregnancy with Teddy. I cleared my head

I didn't finish the manuscript till 3pm, and I was exhausted. I curled up on the couch for a quick nap, leaving the manuscript on the coffee table.

"Ana! Ana!" Christ said gently rubbing my shoulder trying to wake me.

"Yes!" I said

"It's dinner time! Mrs. Jones is making lasagna, one of your favorites" He said helping me off the couch.

We went to the dining room to have dinner, Teddy and Charlotte were already at the table waiting. I took a seat beside Christian.

"I think that you should cut your hours at SIP down. The kids need you at home" Christian stated

"I love my job Christian! I don't want to give it up" I explained

"You have a much more important job at home here. There is plenty of money you know that" Christian said.

"I will try to make more of an effort at home, I'm sorry" I said feeling a little guilty and embarrassed.

"I know how easy it is for you to pass the kids off the Mrs. Jones or Andrea but they have been asking for their mother" He said clearly upset "I have made you an appointment with Dr. Archer. I'm no expert on this subject but maybe it would be helpful to talk to somebody"

He got up from the table and leaned in for a hug. I felt the warmth of his strong embrace surround me. I felt my eyes well up with tears, this was not the response that I was expecting, I had no idea how much my depression had affected my family.

"Thank you Christian" I said


	2. Dr. Archer

I saw Dr. Archer and she chatted with me about the "baby blues" then prescribed some anti-depressants. This is very common but how long will this last. I'm not being a great wife or mother. I know that I can do better, I want to do better.

"MOM!" cried Teddy as I walked in the door.

Christian came around the corner, just as I was giving Teddy I big hug.

"feeling more at ease?" he asked with hope in his voice

"We talked and then she gave me a prescription. They take a while to take affect though" I said skeptically

"How long?" he asked

"3 weeks and I have another appointment Monday at 9am" I said

"so we are making progress" He said with excitement. "you know what I think that you need"

"I have a good idea!" I said with a laugh

"you need a hobby" he said enthusiastically

"I'm not really much for organized activities Christian, you know that" I said

Christian was trying so hard to bring my out of my slump, unfortunately it wasn't working. I love him but sometimes a girl just needs to speak to her best friend. I pulled out my cell phone and started to dial Kate as I walked up the stairs towards our bedroom.

"Hey girl! It's been a long time. How are the kids doing?" Kate asked

"Good! Raising kids is tough but I'm doing it" I said

"You sound down, is everything with Christian ok!" She asked with concern.

"Yeah! He's great! I just haven't been feeling like doing anything lately is all. I'm been feeling a bit out of sorts" I said trying to explain

"Come out with me! I'm going to a Yoga class and some exercise is just what you need" She said with exuberance

"I don't know Kate! I don't know if that's really my thing" I said

"I'm coming over at 5pm and I'm not taking no for an answer" She said and hung up the phone.

I don't think that I really have anything that's appropriate for a Yoga class. I looked through my closet and could not find any Yoga clothes that fit my new mommy body. It was only 3pm I could quickly go to the store and pick up something and still make it back for Kate to pick me up. I didn't want to look like a fool. I came back downstairs to see Christian at his computer in the study.

"You going out?" he asked surprised.

"Kate is coming to get me for a Yoga class and I just want to go get something to wear and I'm taking the sports car" I said with a smirk

"Slow Down this time I don't want any more tickets" He said coming over for a kiss

"I'll try!" I said hallway out the door

One thing that I can surely say is 'I love to Drive', always makes me feel good. I hoped into the front seat and revved the engine. I turned on the tunes and just drove. I drove to the closest Lulu lemon store on my GPS then parked the car. As I walked in I kept thinking is what size will I fit in now that I have 25 extra pounds around the middle. I grabbed 4 yoga pants and 3 tank tops in Medium and large sizes, then went to the change room.

"Hi! May I help you?" Asked the sales lady

"I just want to try these on" I said showing her the clothes that I picked.

"Right here!" She said pointing "And if you need anything I will be right here"

I went in and tried on the first pair of pants in medium and found them to be too tight. Maybe a large I thought. I tried the pants and a large tank top and they fit. Thank goodness they stretch. Maybe Yoga is what I need. I paid for the items and drove home. I made it home by 430 pm. Just in time, and Kate won't have to know that I needed to go to the store for a larger

size.

Ring! Ring! I came bounding down the stairs as Kate came in the front door.

"I missed you!" She said giving me a big hug "now let's go sweat like crazy"

"Ok!" I said feeling slightly excited by Kate's enthusiasm

We hoped in the car and off we went to Yoga class. I chatted about the kids and Christian with Kate and before I knew it we had arrived at the Yoga studio. When we went up to the front of the building the first thing that I noticed was that it was very small, which put me at ease. Kate signed up both in at the front desk, the girl at the Kiosk seemed to know Kate well by how they were chatting and giggling.

"Studio B" The young girl said pointing to a small room at the end of the hallway

"Don't be intimidated Ana!" Kate said as we opened the door to Studio B. As soon as I walked in I knew exactly why she said that. There were 8 girls waiting for the class to begin. The all looked like they did this all the time. They were slim and muscular. I instantly wanted to hide in a corner and disappear. Kate must have seen the look on my face.

"Ana! These girls are here 5 days a week and that one over there is the instructor. Do not compare yourself. Plus, you just had a baby!" She said offering reassurance

"I had Charlotte 6 months ago though" I said

She passed me a Yoga mat and I went to the back of the class hoping to escape the eyes of the other young, fit yoga masters. The instructor noticing a new face came over to greet me!

"Welcome to Yoga! Are you new here?" she asked being friendly.

"Yeah! A New Year's resolution of sorts" I replied trying to make light conversation

"Enjoy!" she smiled and walked to the front of the class to begin


	3. First Yoga class

I found the class incredibly hard, I knew I was out of shape but how out of shape I surprised even me. I found the stretches uncomfortable and painful and I felt weak. It was hard for me to even hold myself in a downward dog position without my arms shaking. I was happy with my decision to be at the back of the class because I felt that there were less people looking at me. The studio must be used for other types of dance as well because there were mirrors everywhere, reminding me of how fat and out of shape I had become after having two kids. Kate seemed to keep up quite well. She wasn't a yoga master but she was certainly getting the moves better than I was. The class dragged on and i continued to struggle with each movement. When it ended, Kate and I quickly exited the class. We didn't stay to mingle, i think that Kate knew that i was not feeling comfortable in this atmosphere.

"So?" she asked partially knowing the answer "How do you like it?"

"It's very intimidating" I replied

"You can't expect to be a master in the first class" She said jokingly

"No I don't expect that I just feel very self-conscious" I said avoiding eye contact

"All the more reason to come to another class" Kate said

"I don't know" I said getting into the car "Maybe I could just watch some fitness video's or something"

"You need to get out of the house, that's the real reason I dragged you out here" Kate said getting into the driver's seat "Coming to class holds you accountable. I know that you won't go home and do fitness video's"

"OK! OK!" I said giving up "I hate feeling like a blimp every time I go though"

"First off! You are not a blimp at all. Secondly, you just had a baby. Be gentle on yourself. Charlotte is not even a year old" Kate said trying to make me feel better.

"Kate!" I said looking her straight in the eye "I have all the money in the world, I should be able to look like a celebrity. I don't even have an excuse anymore"

"Your depressed Ana!" She said empathetically "We can all see it. Depression is a debilitating illness. I want to help you through it and so does Christian. The first step is to get on medication and the next step is to get off that couch"

Kate's words rung through my ears. I didn't realize i had such an impact on everyone around me. I knew she was right, it was still hard to take though. She stopped the car in my driveway, we both got out and headed to the front door. I opened the door, Kate and I went to the kitchen to continue our conversation. This was the first time that I had felt any genuine joy since Charlotte was born. Maybe, this was the next step to battling my depression. All i knew is that i have to get myself out of this slump. I spent most of my day eating or sleeping after work. I didn't have a connection to Charlotte at all, which only created a deep sense of guilt inside me. The yoga class for some reason made me feel energized, self-conscious but energized. Kate started to go on about how she has felt more toned and less tired since going to Yoga. All i could think was i wonder if this could help me.

"They have some other classes that are dance related but I have not tried them yet, just a thought though" Kate said taking a sip from her water bottle. "Right now I'm only going twice a week"

"Were you as clumsy and heavy as me when you started though?" I asked

"No!" She hesitated "I haven't had kids yet though, it makes a big difference"

"It's hard to start, when you feel like the odd man out" I said defending my negativity

"That is exactly why i am taking you with me when I go" She said adamantly "Plus, I have not seen you this bright in so long, you need this"

"Fine!" I said "I'll go if you make the effort to come get me. I am just saying that I don't think I would go on my own"

"Hi Christian!" Kate greeted as Christian walked in to the kitchen behind me

"Did Ana blow everyone's mind with her talent and beauty or are they too blind to see it?" He asked smiling at me

"Pretty close! Cause she blew my mind" Kate joked "I'm going to go Ana, I have a date with my amazing husband and I don't want to be late"

"Bye Kate!" I called "see you later"

"I'll be here, Tuesday at 7 pm" Kate said as she walked to the front door "For yoga, Don't forget"

"You're going again?" Asked Christian surprised

"I said that if she made the drive over that I would definitely join her" I admitted  
"Good" he said looking intensely into my eyes "this is exactly what you need"

Despite the excitement of going out with Kate I still had an obligation to finish reading the two manuscripts for work. I settled into a comfortable position on the couch and escaped into the words. The manuscript was long but interesting and before i knew it, i was reading late into the night. Christian had to wake me up from the couch to go to bed around midnight. The nanny had already put the kids to bed, I was the last one to make it to my room. Both Christian and I were too tired for the Red Room. I guess i understand why he felt like marriage was the end of sex.

I woke up early to go to work, Christian had already left. He likes to get an early start to his day. I dressed in black slacks and a white, loose fitting blouse. I was glad that I had read through both manuscripts as I was prepared for the questions that were being asked at the publishing meeting. I really liked this author and i enjoyed advocating for literature that i felt was good. I felt confident at work, as I knew that I was good at my job and I loved what I did. The problem was when I got home and had to deal with myself and the kids, I just wasn't happy. At work I could fake it and bury myself in manuscripts and books but at home I felt no desire to play or care for the kids. How awful of a mother I must be. I continuously pushed things off on to Christian or the hired help. I was constantly praying for a mental break from my anguish. I hope that Yoga is my saving grace.

Kate, true to her word arrive to take me to the yoga class on Wednesday. Instead of dreading it I found myself looking forward to spending time with Kate.

"You ready!" Kate asked waiting at the front door.

"I have my bag packed" I said pointing to my yoga bag and water bottle.

"Have you done any exercise at home?" She asked skeptically

"No!" I admitted

"That's why we are going to class, Ana. Going to class keeps us accountable" She said

They were so friendly we both walked in. It felt as though I was walking into a room with old friends as everyone welcomed me into the class. Kate smiled as she noticed me enjoying myself.

"What other kinds of class do they offer here" I asked with curiosity as we walked down the hall to Studio B

"Pole dancing" She giggled


End file.
